Mother
This post originally appeared on my blog, John Muir Trail Adventure. After my first surrogate had a miscarriage, I hit rock bottom, so much grief and pain. While having a severe panic attack and finding myself in a ball on the floor trying to breath and crying I thought to myself...I gotta get out of here...NOW. At that moment, I made the decision to do the 211 mile hike through the High Sierras known as the John Muir Trail. The trail literally got me through the worst time in my life and I decided to blog about it, but the blog became something more. It became a guide to getting through infertility.
Mother…
A dear friend sent me this song when Kirby was only two weeks old…maybe less and since then I have carried it with me.
Welcome to the end of being alone inside your mind,
You’re tethered to another and you’re worried all the time.
Wow…mother. This is the MOST important role I have ever taken on. This little being is looking to me for guidance and answers and boundaries and fun! Me. She is looking at me for comfort and love…LOVE.
I don’t think I realized how important this role is until now. I think I downplayed how crucial our mothers are…how they help to shape us and give us the foundation we need to move forward in life.
Honestly…I get really freaked out and scared by how important this role is and it challenges me to be the best Claudia I can possibly be. To work harder and to play harder as well. I want Kirby to see a full human being…vulnerable and strong…funny and wise. A person that works hard and takes chances and pushes herself, but also knows when it’s time to play and relax. A person that enjoys each moment.
Sometimes I feel the pressure of this role and it is consuming and I have to tell myself to back off and give myself a break. I have to remind myself to just be me and love this kid…love her unconditionally.
This morning I walked into her room and there she was standing in her crib smiling at me…arms open… ready to start the day. When I enter the room sometimes I’ll play this…just to get the day going right…
God…this kid. This magical being. This wonderful loving happy kid. Already her sense of adventure is apparent. She loves to dance! I put on music and she is all over it…this kid has some serious moves as well.
I’m in love and freaked out all at once. And even though making this little being was hell…I mean hell…too much pain…too much heartache. But! I do believe all that pain has led me to really seeing and enjoying each moment with her…each smile…bathtime…crawling…starting to walk…laughing…her kisses…all of it…even the tears.
I love our bedtime routine as well. We end the day with a slow dance. Usually, I put on The Book of Love by Peter Gabriel or Lullaby by Billy Joel. She sinks her head into my neck and we dance.
I am the mother of Kirby. Kirby June Kim-Moutray.
